Community

I was talking to someone today and they said something that I hear all the time: " I just want some Christian community." I cannot tell you how much I have heard this in the last few years and a lot more in the last few months. Many times that also comes with the comment," Going to church on Sunday is fine but why is there not times outside the "church" building for me to just live life with other believers? No studies, no gimmicks, and no games, just times where we really become friends and have cherished moments of confession and realness." My first thought is usually because everyone is too busy but is it really that? Are we really so busy that we don't have time to really live life with friends that are going to be our constant encouragement? I am not sure that being busy is really the answer at all. Deep down, I see it in me. I cherish time alone. I love having moments where no one needs me and I can sit and relax. It may be because I am with a nine and three year old all day, everyday. I am sure that is part of it but there will always be a desire in me for intimacy. God created me with that. I want intimacy with Christ, my husband, and my children first and then intimacy with friends comes next. I think we really do need to do life with others. We need to confess and cry. We need to have moments of pure joy and times of sorrow. We need to be silly and talk about deep, serious issues. More than anything, investing in others is God's calling for every believer. As my hubby says, " There are two things that will last forever: God and people." Anything else I invest in will fade away when I meet Jesus. I love when I can sit with a group of people and just be me. Even more, I love when people can sit with me and be them!!! There is such a freedom that comes with having that kind of friendship. You know the kind when no matter what is said or not said, there is always love. Community with each other goes beyond the, "Hey, how are you?" It is an intimacy that resembles Christ. It gets real and dirty and you miss it when you are away! I guess more than anything, Christian community starts and ends with the gospel. I cannot have that kind of relationship outside of having my first love be Christ. So as I get responses like that, I see more and more that people crave community. It is how we are "wired". It is what binds us together to fulfill all that we are called to be and do. I am very thankful for the "community" in my life and the way Jesus uses it to change, challenge, encourage, and love me.

Remembering!!!

This past Saturday marked 2 years of my dad being in heaven. I really thought 2 years ago that on this day I would forget what it felt like. I thought I would forget the pain and sorrow I felt. I thought I would forget the way it changed my life and my kid's lives. Saturday did not feel anything like that. I still remembered exactly the pain and sorrow that day brought. I remembered how we walked out of the hospital after weeks of being there morning to night never to return again. I remembered how Katelyn cried for weeks because of the intense love she had for her pawpaw. I remembered thinking that we would never be the same after that day. I also remembered thanking Jesus for carrying us through and helping us see Him in it all. I would never wish something like this on anyone but God remained faithful through every hour.

I miss my dad more and more. I miss the way he laughed and his patience. I miss the way he could calm even the craziest of moments. I miss how he sat, walked, cooked, snored, played and worked. I miss his hugs and smiles and even his grumpiness at times! There is not a day that goes by that I don't have a thought of him or that something reminds me of him. Many people go through life and never have a dad like mine. I am beyond thankful for the dad God blessed me with and the way he loved my mom, brother, and me. I will never understand why he had to go so early but I will always know that I am blessed for all the years I had with him. He saw me grow physically and spiritually. He saw every basketball and softball game. He saw me graduate and go off to college. He gave me away and danced with me on my wedding day. He saw me graduate college and have two sweet babies. He was there for so much and for that, I AM THANKFUL! I love you dad and will always remember every detail of my life with you in it. You were an amazing father and husband!!! See ya soon!!!

Little By Little

In August of 1998, I left for college. I was so excited and could not wait for the journey ahead of me. Liberty University would become my home and I knew God would rock my world. Upon entering into my freshman year, I had a few things I was not going to do. The first one was to not have a serious relationship the first year. I wanted to make sure that I had amazing friendships with the girls God would put in my life and did not want to enter into anything else. The second thing was to work a lot harder than I did in High School. My freshman year was pretty easy, so there was a lot of nap taking and pizza parties with the roomies. The third thing was I, IN NO WAY, would date or marry a guy going into the ministry. I know, God has a sense of humor huh?? My reasons for this were that pastors were away from their families a lot, they and their family live in a glass bowl for everyone to view into at any moment, and they did not make a lot of money. The last one was pretty bad, I know, but I was determined to live a life where money was not a worry and we could do all the things we wanted. So, there you go, I had my standards. Well, my junior year came and who does God put into my life but a YOUTH PASTOR. In my eyes they were the guys that worked the hardest and got paid the least (I will not say whether or not I still agree with that statement :). I am sure God chuckled when he led Josh to me and we married. God changed my heart drastically within the first month we dated. I kept saying," I cannot be a pastor's wife, I do not have it in me." God kept saying, "You are right but I will stretch you and mold you into the kind of pastor's wife I want you to be. You will not look like the others you have seen but I have something much different for you." After hearing God say those things to me so clearly, I entered into my marriage easily and peacefully ( THANK GOD!!!).

I read a verse, Proverbs 13:11, " Wealth gained hastily will dwindle, but whoever gathers little by little will increase it." This verse means a lot to me when it comes to the life in ministry. In college, I wanted to feel secure with plenty of money for my future, but that was not God's plan at all. I began to realize that the second part of this verse is so true. Josh and I gather little by little in this calling God has for us. I can tell you countless times that God has blessed our socks off more than we could have ever imagined. I never realized that yes, a ministry "paycheck" may not be what most people would want but the blessings that come from the people who God puts in our lives are immeasurable. Just this week I have been blown away by the heart of people that give. I have been blown away by the goodness of God that comes from His people. I have been humbled to the point of feeling so unworthy of the grace that God showers down on us. I have been reminded of those thoughts I had in college and how I am beyond thankful for this life as we go little by little. God has reached down and held me through so much and I will never be the same!!! My heart overflows with thankfulness and awe!!!

Clutter-Free....sorda

I was recently asked how I keep my house so clean with my kids home all day......I literally chuckled under my breath. CLEAN? More like the appearance of clean. Yes, if you walk in my house right before a house showing and the kids are already in the car, my house is clean. If you walk in my house 2 minutes after our return when the showing is over, IT IS NOT CLEAN. Toys start getting pulled back out, snacks start making crumbs again, and dirty clothes starting piling up. To be honest, I do not like clutter. If things, papers, or toys start piling up in a certain area, I can handle it for awhile but then I have to get it put away for my sanity. I have mastered the art of stuffing in drawers and have bought many plastic bins for easy cleaning.....and hiding:).

So, that is how answered the question. I have about 4 junk drawers in our home. One is in the kitchen and 3 are in our roll top desk. These drawers house anything from a garden shovel to a toy helicopter or from a dart gun to a hammer. I love these drawers because when I start seeing things all over, I just stick it all in there and it is out of my sight. Then, when those drawers get full, I clean them out once a month and start all over with the stuffing. So, is that considered clean? Not really, but it does help me feel like it is. I can't do it all. I can't have a incredible, spotless, and most-organized house and really concentrate on what's most important: my kids. I can't cook every meal from scratch everyday, three times a day and read fun books with Samuel while it rains outside. These sneaky tricks I have only help me to feel clean but give me tons of time to do the things that matter most like making a volcano with Katelyn. I honestly can't tell you the last time I mopped my kitchen floor or cleaned out the freezer. I can tell you how great the MLK documentary was that Katelyn and I watched and how many questions she had. I can't tell you the last time I even looked under Katelyn's bed (there could possibly be all kinds of things under there) but I can tell you that Samuel's favorite thing to do with me is paint pictures. I can't tell you the last time I dusted our blinds (I may never have...lol) but I can tell you how much Katelyn lights up when she is on a horse and the excitement it brings to watch her ride.

So, is my house really clean? Yes and No. Most of the time, NO. Yes, if I have recently stuffed all the clutter away. I don't know what happened when I got into my thirties but it seems I have gotten to a place of seeing importance in things. I don't feel bad anymore if someone stops by and our house looks "normal." I know that I will never get back these years with my sweet little ones and I have to pick and choose what gets clean each day. So, if you ever come to my house, open a few drawers and you will see where it all goes......just don't look under Katelyn's bed!! Keepin' it real!!!

Junk drawer in kitchen....I can't even tell you what's all in it!!

Our kitchen this morning: Basketball shoes and Josh's computer bag still is still in the floor from last night. Samuel wanted to clean the dishes for me, which means water is spraying all over the place and he is soaked. Cinnamon rolls are still sitting on a dirty stove top. A hair-bow of mine sitting on kitchen countertop(my nanny and mom would hate that something that goes in your hair is near food...AHHHH). School books all over kitchen table which is an everyday occurrence. I couldn't get the laundry room in the picture but there is laundry falling out of the dryer that I didn't fold last night. It will stay this way until this afternoon and we've had all of our fun..:).

A Nine Year Old Understanding

I have wondered how to feel, think, write, and talk about Newtown. I didn't want to take away from anything that was going on and I also wasn't quite sure what to say. Josh and I had no problem letting Katelyn know what was going on at the very beginning. As the story went on, we never told her really anything else. She saw the pictures of the kids and teachers and we prayed for their families daily. When Katelyn and I got to actually discuss it, I was surprised by her first thought. I guess the thoughts of children are so different and really show us a heart that has not been tainted by this world. When I asked how she felt, she said," I wonder what happened to that man to make him want to do something like that." I just looked at her. Her first thought was not anger, rage, or even sadness. Her first thought was compassion for someone who was considered the "evil" in this event. She wanted to know about him and questioned that maybe things in his past that were done to him made him feel he had to do this. I was floored. In an instant, I saw Jesus. I saw Jesus in her wanting to understand the evil in our world and make it better. I saw Jesus in her compassion for his family too. I saw Jesus by the way she felt sad for him that he must have wandered in life to make a choice like this. As we talked, I wanted to see it her way. I wanted to not be angry but be full of compassion and grace in the face of unspeakable evil.

Later that night, she wept with her dad thinking of these children and their families. She cried tears of compassion and true sadness for children she will never meet and families she may never see. She never questioned God and His authority. She never questioned whether God was present there or not. As a nine year old, her faith is not based on circumstances but on truth. I envied her in these moments. I longed to have the faith of a child during this. I saw how she was comforted but the scripture her dad gave her. Lately, I have tried to see things through my children's eyes. I have especially wanted to see Jesus the way they do. I want to have that faith that is simple and steady. There are days when I want to see God and everything about Him through the unbiased and faithful eyes of a nine year old.

Reflections!

I have decided that in order to get out of the funk I have been in, I need to remember the past year I have had. I am one blessed woman and no matter how hard the holidays are for me, I need joy! This past year has had many up's and down's and I thought I'd share some reflections I have had:

1. My husband is the most faithful, loyal, gifted, loving, and amazing hubby, father, and pastor. I have seen this man grow so much in this past year. I have seen him walk through trials and come out praising Jesus. I have seen him love on people more than anyone has ever loved them. I have seen him joyfully lay himself down for others. He is doing what he has been called to do and I have never seen him happier. I really don't know how I got him but I am so thankful he looked my way almost 12 years ago!

2. My kids rock my world. They challenge me to the core and I am thankful for that. I would not really understand the love of God had I not had them. I have seen them learn alongside each other and Josh and I. I have seen them fight, embrace, forgive, and grow. I have seen them imagine, explore, and search. I have seen them hurt when a friend hurts and Katelyn weep for the children in Newtown. I have seen Katelyn fall more in love with horses and riding and Samuel sing louder and drum harder to Jesus worshipping songs. I have heard them play together so peacefully and have times of misunderstandings more than I care to remember. I have no desire to be anywhere except here with them each and everyday. My heart longs to hold them and disciple them each second even on the not so good days. They are my treasure, my arrows, asking to be sharpened and sent out into this world for Jesus.

3. Words only go so far. Josh and I have walked with people through some tough stuff. We could have all the greatest words in the world, but walking with them changes things. Loving them when they have given up, become the worst of themselves, and been beaten down by those around them is what they long for. We have learned to love like Christ loves. My sin is forgiven and God sees me as righteous. Why would I not do the same for someone else? Jesus spent more time with those who the religious people forgot. He walked with them and spoke truth in love whether they wanted to hear it or not. I have learned that this is the call of Christ: loving people when they are on the mountain and even more when they are in the dessert.

4. I am impatient and easily overwhelmed  I thought I'd throw this in there because this year, I have learned this more than I cared to. I already knew this about myself but God actually broke me down teaching me to turn to Him in these weaknesses. He sees me, the good and the bad, and He loves me anyway. I am not superwoman who can do it all. If there is too much on my plate, I can crack. I have learned this year to only take on what I can and do not feel bad when I have to say no. If anything interrupts my first callings as wife and mom, then I will not do it. I have learned that we all have different things that God calls us to do and we have to realize those things in light of God's calling for every Christian. There are days when I wish I could do more, be more, endure more, but at the end of the day, I am blessed by what God allows me to do.

5. Church planting is no joke. Josh and I were so excited to move into the call God had for us but I never knew how much satan would attack us personally and those who have been involved. He wants nothing more than to thwart anything God had planned. We have been through the ringer but we count it all JOY!!!! WE LOVE GLC. We have loved getting to know so many people in our community and being a part of something bigger. We love having so many people in our home and so many kids running around. Gospel Life has been a breath of fresh air and in 12 years of ministry, we finally understand why we have walked where we have. God prepared us for this church and we are extremely blessed to be here! I miss it when we aren't there and can't wait to see the people in our lifegroup through the week. What a fun time we are having!!!


There are many more reflections but these were the big ones. 2012 will end and I have no idea what is in store for 2013. I know that God will continue to teach, guide, direct, mold and move us for His glory and His alone!!!

Self

But none of these things move me; nor do I count my life dear to myself, so that I may finish my race with joy, and the ministry which I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God. (Acts 20:24)

My reading this morning was this verse. This is a morning where I woke up with a sore body from lifting heavy things yesterday and having a bed that's 12 years old. My first thought was, I need a massage. I mean, when is the last time I had one? It has been way to long. This is a morning where I don't feel like teaching and just want to dance around the kitchen all morning. This is a morning where I have been thinking about why my house isn't selling because we need a better house. I know, I know, can you say SELF-CENTERED!!! Not that those things are inherently bad but if that is all that has consumed my mind this morning, I have only been thinking of myself and what I want for the last hour. Then, I sit down at my stained (by painting sessions with my kids) and handed down kitchen table and wonder if I'll ever have furniture that was not owned by someone else before me? I opened up my laptop, which annoys me because a key is missing and half the time it doesn't function the way it should. I go to my reading and this verse is what I study. Funny how God already knew how I would wake up this morning. The part of the verse that struck me was ," nor do I count my life dear to myself." Paul writes that in order to finish the race with JOY and the ministry that He has for me is to not count my life as my own. There are things God has called me to and that is how I share the gospel of grace with my life. How can I do that if all I think about is myself and how I somehow deserve better than I already have. As soon as I read this verse and studied meanings of it, I was convicted and set at peace all at the same time. Convicted that I was selfish the moment I woke up and at peace because the things I mentioned above are blessings I do not deserve.If all we do is dance around the kitchen this morning, than that is a memory that will stay in my kids minds forever and that is better than any type of curriculum we do today. My house is perfect and everything we NEED and if it never sells, then it is the house that should be our HOME. My kitchen table has so many stains, chips in the wood and splatters of paint because my kids sit around it while we learn and talk together EVERYDAY. I have a laptop, that's all that needs to be said. God has things for me to do and I must do those things with JOY so as to finish the race with an obedient heart. I am so blessed that even in the midst of this kind of thinking, God loves me and shows me grace once again. Thank goodness He sees my heart and immediately put things back into perspective before I go too long through my day in that kind of selfish thinking. If I never have anything or any type of pleasure, I must finish the race with JOY because all that I need is Jesus. Thank you God for choosing to bless me even when I lose my mind every now and then.