My Letter To You, Dad!!

Dad,

As all the Father's Day commercials play and presents are bought, I hurt. I miss you more than you could ever imagine. This will be my first Father's Day without you. There are days when I feel like you are still here and other days when knowing you are gone makes my heart ache. I remember so much about you. I remember when I was young and a boy gave me my first heartbreak. You held me in the corner of my room while I cried. You didn't tell me how ridiculous I was being or tell me to stop, you just held me. I will never forget that security and warmth I felt. I remember you working 2 jobs to put me and Jerry in Christian school but never missing a ball game. I remember when mom told you it was us or alcohol and you chose us. YOU CHOSE US!!!! I remember my wedding day and how happy you were but how you kept reminding me that I was still your little girl. We danced and I cried because I knew things would change between us. I remember when I was in labor with Katelyn, you drove home 3 hours to work ( because they wouldn't let you off) and drove right back when you got off just in time to see your new granddaughter. I remember when I was little and I loved working in your tool shed with you because you loved teaching me to work with my hands. I remember it all dad!!! You were amazing and God used you to shape who I am now. Thank you for showing me how to love and be loved. Thank you for constantly reminding me not to worry and give it to the Lord. More than anything, THANKS FOR CHOOSING ME!!! You could have chosen a different road but you loved me and the Lord that much!! Katelyn will always remember her pawpaw who thought she hung the moon. Who swam with her in 30 degree water because no one else would. And who rode her on the Harley when he didn't feel good. She will never forget you. Samuel stills remembers when you taught him to wind up when he throws a ball and sees a picture of you and smiles and says "Pawpaw John". Oh, how I wish they could have you as they grow up like I did. I know this pain I feel will get easier to bear but I miss you!!! So, on this Father's Day, I will still celebrate you. You still live on in us and all the things you taught us. I know that you will have an amazing Father's Dat dancing with your Savior. It will be the best you have ever had. I love you daddy!!!! And I will see you soon!!!

Marriage

It has been so long since I have posted. I have been through so much in the last few months, which maybe one day I'll write about. I am brokenhearted over some news from old friends about their marriage. I wrestle with wondering how we get to a place that marriage is no longer a covenant but a bus ticket where we can get on and off.  I have a heavy heart for these friends and know that God has so much more for our marriages.

On July 28th, Josh and I will celebrate 10 years of marriage. WOW, what a wild ride it has been. There have been ups and downs but not once, even in the lowest points, did I ever want to be without this man. He is my best friend, my mentor, and my biggest fan, and my encourager. In 10 years, he has grown in such an amazing way that I thank God everyday for this man. As the husband and leader of our home, I have seen him mature into a man with high standards and much strength. The father that he is blows me away and our kids are and will benefit greatly from him. I say all that to say, that I am in for the long haul. We are not perfect and there are days when I don't like him very much but God sustains our marriage.

I believe that our marriages are attacked greatly because Satan knows if he gets our marriages he gets us. I think he wants our husbands first, as the leaders of our home, because if he gets the leader, he has more of chance to get the home and family. I want a marriage that is Christ-centered above all else. I strive to point my emotions, opinions, and life to Christ. If I do that then my marriage can thrive. If I linger in my pride, selfishness, and rights , my marriage will fail. I am so thankful for the godly man that I have been blessed with and the love that he constantly shows me even when I don't deserve it. What a picture of Jesus he is to me.

Oh God, be in our marriages. Pour your spirit into our lives so that we love and respect each other. God, you have a standard of marriage and we fall short, but you are good. You continue to pick us up and set us on eagle's wings( Isaiah 40:28-31). You walk with us through the tough and good days. I give it all to you. Do with it what you will.

Today, I'm Wrestling!!

OK, so if you have a brain like mine, you wrestle with lots of thoughts and things that pop into your head. It could come from views from others, studying God's Word, TV, preaching from the Sunday before, ETC! Well, today mine is figuring out the line you draw of being in the world but not of it. How far do you go to protect you and your families walks with the Lord without totally removing yourself from reality and the call we have to make Jesus famous? Now, I am homeschooling this year. My decision to do that was not to shelter Katelyn totally or to keep her from every bad thing that could possibly be out there. My reasons were as follows: I did not like the idea of someone else pouring into her heart 8 hours a day, I wanted to be there when she learned something new about her Savior, financially, her foundation needs to be set and strong before she experiences the world at an older age, my view of education, and so much more.So, as I wrestle with this line thing, I think about Halloween and Christmas. I think about movies and music. I think about her friendships and places we go. I have sorda come to this conclusion. Whether its to celebrate a holiday or watch a certain movie, Josh and I as her parents can incorporate Jesus into anything and use it as a teaching tool. To totally remove her, in my opinion, could set her up to fail in loving the people of this world but teaching her to be separate in her thinking and world view. I want her to see the world and the people in it as Jesus does, not a us and them mentality but to know that she and I could easily be where they are had it not been for the saving grace of Jesus and his ability to change us.Like I said, I am wrestling, which means I don't have all the answers yet. I am just journaling my thoughts hoping for some wisdom from my friends and Lord!!!

Remembering 9/11

I can remember exactly everything about this day 9 years ago.I was driving to class at Liberty university, listening to the radio. When they broke through and said that the first tower had been hit, my first thought was out of all the places for a plane to crash, it crashes into the World Trade Center....weird. As the day went on and they realized what was happening, it was the first time I felt unsafe living in America. At that point, I realized that we were just as unsafe as the rest of the world. I began to feel like God was trying to tell us something. as a follower of Christ, I knew that nothing could happen unless it went through God first. I knew that for some reason, God took His hand of protection off of America for little moment. So, I asked a lot of questions. What should we learn? What was He teaching us as Americans?

Gotta tell the Truth!!

Ok...so to be honest is not always popular or easy to do. Especially as a mom, telling the truth of being a mom takes a lot. We are prideful and want to compare ourselves to every other mom out there. So, I will go ahead and make all of you feel a lot better about yourselves. I wrestle daily with thinking that I am the only mom who has bad days. The reason for that is because I see other moms who seem to be so patient and kind. They never seem stressed or angry. Their kids seem to always behave and rise up every morning and called her blessed. They always talk about how healthy they feed their children and advanced their kids are at EVERYTHING. They seem to easily submit to their husbands and have plenty of energy to meet his every need. Oh, and the cooking. They are not only good at cooking, THEY LOVE IT!! You walk in their house and you would never think they had children because it is extremely clean and always organized. They exercise everyday and never seem to have trouble eating all the right stuff. Lastly, they love to be around their children 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, never needing a break or a ladies night out.

Well, as you see, I wrote a lot of " They SEEM to".  We look at other moms and ASSUME all of these things and maybe some of them are true but either way, WE REALLY DON'T KNOW!! So, here's the kind of mom I am:


* I am not very patient and get easily stressed and anxious, but apologize for it when it happens.
* My children are taught to make wise choices and please the Lord but on any given day (especially when everyone's watching), they completely forget all wisdom and sanity.
* My children (Katelyn because Samuel can't talk yet), wakes up in the mornings and tells me I have bad breath and that not only am I imperfect but would rather go spend the day with Mawmaw and Pawpaw.
* I feed my children what they need, when I can, but there are plenty of weeks that mac-n-cheese and french fries is all that's on the menu.
* I have very smart children (which every mom thinks), but whether or not they are advanced and really good at everything they do, is not my biggest concern. It is how much they love Jesus and others.
* I love my husband and it is still very hard to submit to everything because I am selfish and like control.
* I love my husband but I am really tired....ALL THE TIME!!!(need I say more)
* I HATE COOKING!!!!!! I LOVE EATING OUT!!!!
* My house is not cluttered and I am pretty organized but I can't remember the last time I mopped my hardwoods and dusted my baseboards. That's because I know its better to spend time with my kids and pour into them rather than having a Martha Stewart Home (so remember that if you every come to my house).
* I don't like to exercise, don't want to exercise, and I LOVE FRENCH FRIES!!! I know I need to lose about 25 pounds because of pregnancy but my two kids are worth every pound!!!
* I need time alone and a lot of breaks or I may very well have a nervous breakdown.I need time alone with my husband regularly because my relationship with my husband (after my relationship with my Savior) comes above my relationship with my children and anyone else.
* I have no problem going away for a night or two and when that happens, sometimes, I don't wanna go back home yet!!!
* Lastly, if I get 10 minutes to spend with the Lord, ALONE....THAT IS A GOOD DAY!!! Most of my "quiet" times are in the midst of Katelyn making her phonics sounds while schooling and Samuel climbing up me because I am actually doing something that doesn't involve him.

So, now that I have made every mom feel really good about themselves, I will close with this:
I AM AN IMPERFECT WOMAN,but I serve a PERFECT GOD!!!! He is the only way I get through everyday and I have no problem admitting all my faults because in every one of those weaknesses, He is strong. I serve a God who walks with me everyday through all the junk and still loves me at the end of the day. After all the impatience and selfishness, HE LOVES ME!!!! I have come to the conclusion, that any greatness in me is from Him and any difficulty I go through each day, IS FROM HIS ALLOWING!!!!! He is teaching me and growing me to be the wife and mom He's called me to be. So, I will rest in that, AND I WILL STOP COMPARING!!!!

9 Years in the Making

Well, I was encouraged by a friend to start a blog. Not because I have massive amounts of wisdom to share or because everybody loves to hear what I have to say, but for the fact that writing is good therapy. So, I am taking her advice and seeing how it works. I thought I would start my blog off with what the last 9 years of being married to the most wonderful man has brought. I am a stay-at-home mom and as of this year, a homeschooling mom to my 7 year old daughter Katelyn and 1 year old son, Samuel. My husband, Josh, is a Minister to parents and students at a church here in NC and we stay pretty busy. God has been so good to us and even on the bad days, which today is one of those days, I know that I am blessed. That is the basics and about as deep as I'll go for now.

Josh and I are in love and everyday I see God truly growing him. We met in college at Liberty University. He is from the North and me from the South so let's just say we do things a bit different. I know that God made him for me. He calms me down, which that in and of itself, is a job. I am so excited to see what the next nine years brings us.