My Glimpse of Maturity

This past week we lost a sweet little family member. Buttercup, Katelyn's guinea pig, became very sick. We weren't sure whether to keep watching him each day and maybe he would get better or take him to the vet. See, animals stress me out. I LOVE them. I think they are precious and so sweet but I am not a fan of taking care of one. I will snuggle with a pet at someone else's house but I get very anxious at the idea of being responsible for one. My daughter, on the other hand, LOVES ANIMALS and all that comes with it. She can't handle people puke but she will clean up an animals! She has this crazy way about her that animals love her and will do just about anything for her. It really is a gift that God has blessed her with. With all that said, my sweet girl and been through a lot of loss in her short 9 years. She has lost 3 dogs, a fish, a hermit crab, an aunt, 2 great grandma's, a great grandfather, 3 siblings, an amazing grandfather(my dad), and now Buttercup. She has seen and felt the pain of great loss for a kid. I have held her and listened to her as she has tried to make sense of it all. She has held me as I have broken down with the weight that loss brings. I have no doubt that God has allowed her to go through it all for something great that He is going to do in her life. I have no doubt that she will rock this world to the core for Jesus' name. But I can't help but weep at the thought of all she feels and struggles through to see God in it all.

On Wednesday, we decided to take Buttercup to the vet. The news was not great. They told us about all the tests they could run and that we would still need to administer all kinds of medication and feed him with droppers and monitor him. The day before we took him I was thinking," We are talking about a guinea pig. They don't live long anyway and people eat them in other countries. This is crazy to take him to a vet and pay all this money." But as we sat there listening to the vet, I began to cry. I cried because I knew my daughter, with her her heart for animals, would do anything for any kind of animal. I knew she has already been through enough loss and now this. As the vet began to tell me the cost of it all and that it may not even work, my mouth flew open. This was not going to be cheap. I sat quiet for a second and my sweet. sweet girl  put her hand on my arm and said," Mom, I don't want you to pay this money. Just let him go. He is struggling and it is not fair for him to go through that. Now, can I go to the car?" Then, she began to cry and walked out of the room. I was in awe. My little girl had seen a lot of this and had learned to let go when that was the best thing to do. I looked at the vet and she looked as shocked as me. I dried up my tears, called Josh for final answers and made the decision to put Buttercup to sleep. I picked up Samuel, headed to the car and just held her as she wept. We went home and she rode her bike for an hour not wanting to really talk at all. She cried some more that night and we just kept hugging her and telling her we loved her. That was not a good day but that is the first time she has thought not only of herself but the well-being of everyone and everything around her. I saw this glimpse of maturity rise up within her to make a hard decision. I was sad for her in that moment but SO PROUD of the maturity that took place. It didn't mean she wasn't still going to be sad but it meant that through all the loss she has been through, she was beginning to learn that letting go is ok. She is beginning to see that this life is so short and that our HOME that awaits us is forever and glorious. Wednesday was a rough day but also a day that I saw who my little girl will be and what God is stirring within her. My glimpse of maturity was in the eyes and words of the little girl God blessed me with. Maybe one day, I'll be like her when I grow up...:)

The "Thigh Gap"

Every now and then, Josh will get up and make breakfast and bring me coffee in bed. These are the mornings I can catch a little bit of Good Morning America since half the time I have no idea what is going on in the world. I can tell you why Curious George is riding an Elephant or how to create a Constellation Planetarium but everyday news slips by me. This morning was a breakfast and coffee in bed kind of morning. As I got in a little news from Good Morning America, I was stunned by something going on in teenage girl world. It is something called " The Thigh Gap." I had no clue this existed and just how widespread and well known it is among teenage girls. Popularity actually depends on it and it is something very highly sought after by thousands of sweet teenage girls. "Thigh Gap" is when there is space between your thighs and the bigger that gap, the better. This means the skinnier and more skeleton like your thighs look, the better! I was in awe of the pictures they were showing of girls taking pictures of their thighs and posting them to twitter, facebook, and tumblr. Some of the pictures had captions like, " I'm almost there, my gap is getting bigger," and " I will never have the awesome gap so and so does." ARE YOU SERIOUS??? Is that really what our teenage girls are striving for? What happened to confidence in how God made them or being healthy so that you can carry children one day? I was stunned by the young girls being interviewed and how they felt about the "craze" among their peers. They said this "thigh gap" is what makes you popular in many circles, just like long hair and perfect skin. I was floored that teenage girls are out there posting these pictures and working so hard to have this "gap" and there is no mention of excellence in intelligence or beauty in the heart that God gave them. I am also saddened that our society, as a whole, has created this need in young girls to look like they haven't eaten in a year. They make this "thigh gap" seem like it is the way to be beautiful and feel confident. Good Morning America showed picture after picture off of teenage girls accounts that were just of their thighs. One right after the other. Parents, we have to teach our girls the beauty that really lies within. Every beautiful woman in The Bible was described as having a fear of the Lord (Proverbs 31:30) and if they did have outward beauty, it was not what made them who they were. They had hearts that followed God (Esther and Ruth). They fell at Jesus's feet (Mary) and clung to his every word (The Woman at the Well). As I raise a nine year old little girl, soon to be teenager, I pray constantly that she will never see the outside beauty she has and desire to let it make her who she is but that her heart would be seen first. I pray that she sees her beauty as a reflection of Jesus in her and that what she does with Christ is what makes her who she is. I pray that I will ALWAYS speak to the heart of all she does and not what her outside reveals. My heart breaks that girls are buying into the lie from Satan that they have to look a certain way to be worth something. Girls: Jesus died for our hearts not our thighs. He created you exactly the way you are and you are a reflection of Him. Let Him have your heart and your body and see where He leads you. Beauty is when you fear the Lord and follow Him closely. Jesus, help us as parents to teach our girls what Your Word says beauty is. Help us to model that beauty as moms, day in and day out. Help us to create an environment in our homes that is Jesus uplifted instead of self. Help ME to see myself as beautiful so that my daughter will see it in her.

Community

I was talking to someone today and they said something that I hear all the time: " I just want some Christian community." I cannot tell you how much I have heard this in the last few years and a lot more in the last few months. Many times that also comes with the comment," Going to church on Sunday is fine but why is there not times outside the "church" building for me to just live life with other believers? No studies, no gimmicks, and no games, just times where we really become friends and have cherished moments of confession and realness." My first thought is usually because everyone is too busy but is it really that? Are we really so busy that we don't have time to really live life with friends that are going to be our constant encouragement? I am not sure that being busy is really the answer at all. Deep down, I see it in me. I cherish time alone. I love having moments where no one needs me and I can sit and relax. It may be because I am with a nine and three year old all day, everyday. I am sure that is part of it but there will always be a desire in me for intimacy. God created me with that. I want intimacy with Christ, my husband, and my children first and then intimacy with friends comes next. I think we really do need to do life with others. We need to confess and cry. We need to have moments of pure joy and times of sorrow. We need to be silly and talk about deep, serious issues. More than anything, investing in others is God's calling for every believer. As my hubby says, " There are two things that will last forever: God and people." Anything else I invest in will fade away when I meet Jesus. I love when I can sit with a group of people and just be me. Even more, I love when people can sit with me and be them!!! There is such a freedom that comes with having that kind of friendship. You know the kind when no matter what is said or not said, there is always love. Community with each other goes beyond the, "Hey, how are you?" It is an intimacy that resembles Christ. It gets real and dirty and you miss it when you are away! I guess more than anything, Christian community starts and ends with the gospel. I cannot have that kind of relationship outside of having my first love be Christ. So as I get responses like that, I see more and more that people crave community. It is how we are "wired". It is what binds us together to fulfill all that we are called to be and do. I am very thankful for the "community" in my life and the way Jesus uses it to change, challenge, encourage, and love me.

Remembering!!!

This past Saturday marked 2 years of my dad being in heaven. I really thought 2 years ago that on this day I would forget what it felt like. I thought I would forget the pain and sorrow I felt. I thought I would forget the way it changed my life and my kid's lives. Saturday did not feel anything like that. I still remembered exactly the pain and sorrow that day brought. I remembered how we walked out of the hospital after weeks of being there morning to night never to return again. I remembered how Katelyn cried for weeks because of the intense love she had for her pawpaw. I remembered thinking that we would never be the same after that day. I also remembered thanking Jesus for carrying us through and helping us see Him in it all. I would never wish something like this on anyone but God remained faithful through every hour.

I miss my dad more and more. I miss the way he laughed and his patience. I miss the way he could calm even the craziest of moments. I miss how he sat, walked, cooked, snored, played and worked. I miss his hugs and smiles and even his grumpiness at times! There is not a day that goes by that I don't have a thought of him or that something reminds me of him. Many people go through life and never have a dad like mine. I am beyond thankful for the dad God blessed me with and the way he loved my mom, brother, and me. I will never understand why he had to go so early but I will always know that I am blessed for all the years I had with him. He saw me grow physically and spiritually. He saw every basketball and softball game. He saw me graduate and go off to college. He gave me away and danced with me on my wedding day. He saw me graduate college and have two sweet babies. He was there for so much and for that, I AM THANKFUL! I love you dad and will always remember every detail of my life with you in it. You were an amazing father and husband!!! See ya soon!!!

Little By Little

In August of 1998, I left for college. I was so excited and could not wait for the journey ahead of me. Liberty University would become my home and I knew God would rock my world. Upon entering into my freshman year, I had a few things I was not going to do. The first one was to not have a serious relationship the first year. I wanted to make sure that I had amazing friendships with the girls God would put in my life and did not want to enter into anything else. The second thing was to work a lot harder than I did in High School. My freshman year was pretty easy, so there was a lot of nap taking and pizza parties with the roomies. The third thing was I, IN NO WAY, would date or marry a guy going into the ministry. I know, God has a sense of humor huh?? My reasons for this were that pastors were away from their families a lot, they and their family live in a glass bowl for everyone to view into at any moment, and they did not make a lot of money. The last one was pretty bad, I know, but I was determined to live a life where money was not a worry and we could do all the things we wanted. So, there you go, I had my standards. Well, my junior year came and who does God put into my life but a YOUTH PASTOR. In my eyes they were the guys that worked the hardest and got paid the least (I will not say whether or not I still agree with that statement :). I am sure God chuckled when he led Josh to me and we married. God changed my heart drastically within the first month we dated. I kept saying," I cannot be a pastor's wife, I do not have it in me." God kept saying, "You are right but I will stretch you and mold you into the kind of pastor's wife I want you to be. You will not look like the others you have seen but I have something much different for you." After hearing God say those things to me so clearly, I entered into my marriage easily and peacefully ( THANK GOD!!!).

I read a verse, Proverbs 13:11, " Wealth gained hastily will dwindle, but whoever gathers little by little will increase it." This verse means a lot to me when it comes to the life in ministry. In college, I wanted to feel secure with plenty of money for my future, but that was not God's plan at all. I began to realize that the second part of this verse is so true. Josh and I gather little by little in this calling God has for us. I can tell you countless times that God has blessed our socks off more than we could have ever imagined. I never realized that yes, a ministry "paycheck" may not be what most people would want but the blessings that come from the people who God puts in our lives are immeasurable. Just this week I have been blown away by the heart of people that give. I have been blown away by the goodness of God that comes from His people. I have been humbled to the point of feeling so unworthy of the grace that God showers down on us. I have been reminded of those thoughts I had in college and how I am beyond thankful for this life as we go little by little. God has reached down and held me through so much and I will never be the same!!! My heart overflows with thankfulness and awe!!!

Clutter-Free....sorda

I was recently asked how I keep my house so clean with my kids home all day......I literally chuckled under my breath. CLEAN? More like the appearance of clean. Yes, if you walk in my house right before a house showing and the kids are already in the car, my house is clean. If you walk in my house 2 minutes after our return when the showing is over, IT IS NOT CLEAN. Toys start getting pulled back out, snacks start making crumbs again, and dirty clothes starting piling up. To be honest, I do not like clutter. If things, papers, or toys start piling up in a certain area, I can handle it for awhile but then I have to get it put away for my sanity. I have mastered the art of stuffing in drawers and have bought many plastic bins for easy cleaning.....and hiding:).

So, that is how answered the question. I have about 4 junk drawers in our home. One is in the kitchen and 3 are in our roll top desk. These drawers house anything from a garden shovel to a toy helicopter or from a dart gun to a hammer. I love these drawers because when I start seeing things all over, I just stick it all in there and it is out of my sight. Then, when those drawers get full, I clean them out once a month and start all over with the stuffing. So, is that considered clean? Not really, but it does help me feel like it is. I can't do it all. I can't have a incredible, spotless, and most-organized house and really concentrate on what's most important: my kids. I can't cook every meal from scratch everyday, three times a day and read fun books with Samuel while it rains outside. These sneaky tricks I have only help me to feel clean but give me tons of time to do the things that matter most like making a volcano with Katelyn. I honestly can't tell you the last time I mopped my kitchen floor or cleaned out the freezer. I can tell you how great the MLK documentary was that Katelyn and I watched and how many questions she had. I can't tell you the last time I even looked under Katelyn's bed (there could possibly be all kinds of things under there) but I can tell you that Samuel's favorite thing to do with me is paint pictures. I can't tell you the last time I dusted our blinds (I may never have...lol) but I can tell you how much Katelyn lights up when she is on a horse and the excitement it brings to watch her ride.

So, is my house really clean? Yes and No. Most of the time, NO. Yes, if I have recently stuffed all the clutter away. I don't know what happened when I got into my thirties but it seems I have gotten to a place of seeing importance in things. I don't feel bad anymore if someone stops by and our house looks "normal." I know that I will never get back these years with my sweet little ones and I have to pick and choose what gets clean each day. So, if you ever come to my house, open a few drawers and you will see where it all goes......just don't look under Katelyn's bed!! Keepin' it real!!!

Junk drawer in kitchen....I can't even tell you what's all in it!!

Our kitchen this morning: Basketball shoes and Josh's computer bag still is still in the floor from last night. Samuel wanted to clean the dishes for me, which means water is spraying all over the place and he is soaked. Cinnamon rolls are still sitting on a dirty stove top. A hair-bow of mine sitting on kitchen countertop(my nanny and mom would hate that something that goes in your hair is near food...AHHHH). School books all over kitchen table which is an everyday occurrence. I couldn't get the laundry room in the picture but there is laundry falling out of the dryer that I didn't fold last night. It will stay this way until this afternoon and we've had all of our fun..:).

A Nine Year Old Understanding

I have wondered how to feel, think, write, and talk about Newtown. I didn't want to take away from anything that was going on and I also wasn't quite sure what to say. Josh and I had no problem letting Katelyn know what was going on at the very beginning. As the story went on, we never told her really anything else. She saw the pictures of the kids and teachers and we prayed for their families daily. When Katelyn and I got to actually discuss it, I was surprised by her first thought. I guess the thoughts of children are so different and really show us a heart that has not been tainted by this world. When I asked how she felt, she said," I wonder what happened to that man to make him want to do something like that." I just looked at her. Her first thought was not anger, rage, or even sadness. Her first thought was compassion for someone who was considered the "evil" in this event. She wanted to know about him and questioned that maybe things in his past that were done to him made him feel he had to do this. I was floored. In an instant, I saw Jesus. I saw Jesus in her wanting to understand the evil in our world and make it better. I saw Jesus in her compassion for his family too. I saw Jesus by the way she felt sad for him that he must have wandered in life to make a choice like this. As we talked, I wanted to see it her way. I wanted to not be angry but be full of compassion and grace in the face of unspeakable evil.

Later that night, she wept with her dad thinking of these children and their families. She cried tears of compassion and true sadness for children she will never meet and families she may never see. She never questioned God and His authority. She never questioned whether God was present there or not. As a nine year old, her faith is not based on circumstances but on truth. I envied her in these moments. I longed to have the faith of a child during this. I saw how she was comforted but the scripture her dad gave her. Lately, I have tried to see things through my children's eyes. I have especially wanted to see Jesus the way they do. I want to have that faith that is simple and steady. There are days when I want to see God and everything about Him through the unbiased and faithful eyes of a nine year old.