I Have a Confession!

I am pretty much an open book most of the time. The good, the bad, and the ugly of me is usually out there for all to see. We are all a mess so why not just admit it and move on. I have a confession though. A lot of the times, I choose "busy". In the midst of my hectic days, I choose "busy" over simple and fun. I confess that on Sunday morning, my baby girl (who is beginning to make me sad because she is no longer a baby) asked me to snuggle with her and I told her I had too much to do before we left. Could I have snuggled with her for 5 minutes and breathed in that moment? YES. Could the laundry I was folding have waited? YES. Could I have had a heart moment with her while we snuggled closely? YES. Once we got in the car, I was convicted that I did not make the best choice. I chose "busy". See, I love "busy". I love when I have had a full day of organizing, cleaning, decorating, rearranging, crafting, painting, and so on. I feel energized when I do those things because I see the beginning and the end. Sitting down and playing a game, laying on the couch and reading a book, relaxing on the patio and talking about life, coloring endless pages of Thomas the Train, racing cars down the driveway, taking long and slow walks, and so on are hard for me. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE those things too but they usually come second to "busy". There are times when I want to slap myself for not thinking before I let the most important things come second to the least. Training and discipling children is hard. It is stressful, tiring, confusing, and takes all you have. There are nights when you cry wondering if you are doing it all right. Then there are times when you overhear them say something to a friend that you have been saying to them for 10 years. Your heart leaps with joy that they are actually understanding the words coming out of your mouth. I am very sure there will come a time when all those years of sacrifice, tears, and prayer circle around to an amazing arrow that you are about to shoot from your home into this world for Christ. Until then, "busy" has to come second to the snuggles, the coloring, the stories and the fun. I have to confess that this is something that my Savior has to change in me. I have to pray that in those moments I choose the RIGHT thing and not the "busy" thing. There are times when those thing have to be done, YES, but most of the time, NOT! Confession is good....thanks for being an ear!!

My Heart!!

It seems like I have no time to write these days and that makes me sad. I write more for me than I do for those reading. I share things that touched me more for me to remember than for any other reason. Writing soothes me and let's me "get it all out". I am by no means an impressive writer or always grammatically correct but I just love to share my heart. Lately, I have struggled. I laugh at my husband when he says,"Let's just think about one thing at a time. Let's tackle one project at a time." Any woman reading this will understand why those are two of the funniest sentences. ME?? Think about one thing at a time? That's is beyond understanding to me. I wish there was a button that says: THINK ABOUT ONLY ONE THING TODAY! I would literally press it 50 times a day. So many times, I am tired at the end of the day not because it was a long day with the kiddos (well, that's part of it if I'm honest), but because my brain is always on overdrive. It would be impossible to explain to my husband all the things I think about because I am not sure he could keep up with it all. Maybe some of you reading will see what I mean.

EVERYDAY: I think about the list of about 100 things that need to done in our house to get it to the point of feeling like our home. As I think of those things and try to maybe tackle one I think about the treehouse that we need to build in the backyard because that was what we promised the kids and we are running out of time. Then, I think about the trees that need to come down, the dirt that needs moved, and the grass seed that needs to be put out before that can even happen. During those thoughts I think about that I want to cook better meals, make better lunches, stop drinking soda, stop eating french fries
(that is most likely never going to happen so I really should stop thinking about it..lol), exercise, plant a garden, organize our homeschool stuff to start this new year, see more of the world, read to the kids more during the day, take more "field trips", spend more time in the Word, pray more often or really all day, make my own laundry detergent again, organize my family's photos so they don't get lost through the years, spend more time with friends, start a ladies get-to-together, paint all the furniture down in our storage room, create an environment of learning and laughter, hang all of our family pictures all over the house, make more time for water gun fights and nature walks, and pressure wash the carport. That list could keep going but that's just things I want to do. What about all the things I desire to be and become. In the middle of the other thoughts I think about that I want to make my home peaceful starting with me, be a mom that leaves a legacy of Godly wisdom and worshipful living, a wife whose husband rises and calls her blessed(Prov.31), a woman who truly fears the Lord, a friend who puts the needs of my friends above my own, a daughter who cherishes moments with my mom as we grow older together, a sister who loves unconditionally, a Christian who strives to see others know Christ and worship them with their lives, a teacher who inspires instead of instructs. Once again, that list could go on forever as well. These are my thoughts in about an hour out of the day. There is so much I want to do, be, become, teach, live, and cherish in this life. So, why am I so tired at the end of the day?? Thoughts that overtake me most days and many that I have to lay aside in order to think about the most important things. I have come to realize that at the end of the day, if my children have learned, grown, played, explored, prayed, seen Christ, and have fallen asleep feeling loved........all the other things are secondary! I can't change the way my mind goes all day long but I can change how those thoughts affect me. So, my struggle is determining where many of these thoughts go in the file folder of my brain and then prioritizing accordingly. It is a struggle, a daily struggle but I am finding my way through it all and what parts are truly my heart. Until I figure it all out, I am going to pray that for one day, maybe just one day, I can have that button I talked about earlier. How much more peaceful of day that would be...;)

God's Economy

"NEVER WILL I REMODEL A HOUSE AGAIN!!!" Those are words I say at least 10 times a day as we live under craziness all around. We thought it would be an adventure and have tried to stay positive through the whole process. We were blown away when we knew we could remodel this house and blessed to be able to do it. The truth: Every project has taken longer, needed more materials, costed more, and made us loonier than we ever planned. The biggest problem is ME. I have great vision. I can look at a room and see it completely different within minutes. I can see what it will look like with walls out and what colors will look best. The reason this can be a problem is that I see it but have no concept of it actually being able to work.

I met a missionary family at our homeschool co op and they are just the sweetest. He said to me one day after I told them we were buying a "fixer upper", "I have built the houses we have lived in. That is what I do. If you need any help, just let me know." I am sure he eats those words now......LOL!!! We have had several men come and help us with so much and we are eternally grateful. This man has worked days in a row and done really hard jobs like drywalling Katelyn's room that was completely uneven everywhere and the loft. He has put a header into our kitchen so that I could have that open kitchen I envisioned. He is making cabinet doors and drawer fronts, created columns, ran wires, framed walls, moved beams, and on and on. We told him the crazy appreciation we have for him and that we could never repay all that he has done. His words were,"There is the economy here and then there is God's economy. This is God economy stuff. People have done things for me and I do the same." Josh and I were and are still blown away by those words. How often do we do things for others because we love Jesus and not for what reward can come? How often do we sacrifice time and energy helping people that have no one else to lean on? How often do we see needs and make every effort to meet them? I am convicted by those questions. I will tell you this: I have seen Jesus in an incredible way in this man. I have seen Jesus in the way that others have stepped in to fill the void that we have.

I want to see life through that lens, through a God economy lens. I want to have a "to live is Christ" attitude like this amazing man!!! I want to stop being so busy, tired, selfish, and comfortable so that I can be the hands and feet of Jesus!!!! There really is no greater life than a God Economy life!!!!

I Will Pray For Him!

Many people that have been around Samuel know that he is our "Spirited" little man. The term,"all boy" does not begin to describe him. There are moments when people talk to him that I fear what will come out of his mouth. There have been times when I have said the same thing over and over all day to this curious but oddly cautious little boy. I find myself apologizing to people for something he has said or done but I think I do it too much. There are times when he goes overboard....ok, most of the time!! I have to apologize in those moments but I have decided that instead of fearing who this little boy is, which is really just fearing the opinion of others, I am going to pray.

When I am confused because he turns everything into a gun or sword and is attacking invisible things all day, I will pray. I will pray that he will someday turn that into becoming the protector of his family and maybe even a protector of his town or country.

When I get a headache by how loud he is almost every second of the day, I will pray. I will pray that Samuel will use that loudness to proclaim to the nations who God is, that he will be a voice for the voiceless, and that he will preach all of his days those things that seem foolish to this world.

When I have to tell him to sit over and over again, I will pray. I will pray that all of that energy will be used to further the kingdom of God and that he will never sit until he has done all he can for Christ.

When people stare or comment at how I could possibly handle this ball of passion, I will pray. I will pray that all that passion will be for the ONE thing that makes this life worth living. I will pray that he will be a passionate follower of Christ, friend, husband, and father.

When he wears me out by wanting to be right beside me ALL DAY, I will pray. I will pray that he will always be full of love for his family and this world. I will pray that he always feels close to us even if he is far away.

When he screams and kicks at every battle for obedience, I will pray. I will pray that his strong will and determination will be focused on what he can do for His Savior one day and not on the opinion of those around him.

I will pray that as I raise this man, he will be more like Jesus. For now, he is not yet a man and he will continue to act like a little boy. It is my job to disciple, train, discipline, and love him as he grows. When he is being a little boy, I will not apologize. I will pray that all the things that make up this little boy of mine will one day be used for the Kingdom in greater ways than I could ever imagine. For now, I will cherish the boyhood and the moments not many people see when he snuggles, wraps his arms around my neck and tells me how beautiful I am. He is my sweetie and my miracle. God has so much for him!!!

Seeing Him In Them

As for me and many other people, Father's Day is not the most joyous occasion. For some it is because of a father that didn't exactly follow the Lord's leading when being a father. For others it is because their father has passed and it is painful to not wish him Happy Father's Day. I was thinking last week about this day of celebration that was coming. I immediately cried and wished I could just speak to him and hug him. I wished he could see how wonderful Katelyn is growing up and how big and crazy Samuel is now. Then, it dawned on me. There are so many ways that I see my dad in my children. It is almost like he left his mark on them or that God allowed me to have those glimpses of him on those really hard days. I see my dad in Katelyn by the way she works. She loves to get dirty and work hard outside. She likes tools and wants to know how to use them. She could spend all day out in his building just staring at all the tools, gadgets, and nascar memoribila. She loves knives and now has his whole collection. She loves to fish and get in the lake. There are even sometimes, when she is quiet, I swear I see his face.

Samuel loves to talk silly and make people laugh. It is like when my dad used to call me and pretend he was someone else and could not figure out how I knew it was him (he never understood that his number popped up when he called). He writes with his right hand but seems to bat, kick, swing and throw like a lefty, JUST LIKE MY DAD!! He sleeps like a rock and loves sweets! He loves to laugh and there are times as he laughs, I see my dad's crooked smile. They may never understand why pawpaw had to go so soon but they will always have him in them. So, as I wished my hubby a Happy Father's Day and see the amazing father he is, I have peace that God gives me those moments where I see my dad again. Happy Father's Day dad....see ya soon!!

Weary

I have to be honest: I am weary. It is that kind of weary that is down in your bones. Weary spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally. I am at a point of hitting a wall every day. It is becoming frustrating because I hate feeling this way and I have way to much to do to be in this place. Days like these make me long for heaven and the beauty that will engulf me there. I know that Satan wants nothing more than to destroy me. He is more than ready to pounce on me, my family, and my home. Today, I was kinda angry. Angry that my emotions and circumstances can so overtake me on low days. Angry that my dad isn't here. Angry that things and relationships change. Angry that I can't be stronger. Angry that I let Satan win somedays.

As I have gone through the day, I have tried to offer up a quick, emotionless prayer hoping that God would just break through. I want Him to pick me up and take me to the mountaintop. I am SO DONE in this valley!! Then, the Holy Spirit quietly and peacefully assured me to remember Job. At the very beginning of Job, we see God and Satan wrestling with their words. We see Satan assuring God that the only reason Job serves Him is because everything has gone great for him. Satan wants to just give Job some difficulties to prove that in the midst of trouble, he would not stay faithful to God. As I thought about Job, one word came to mind: Sovereign. Satan could do nothing to Job without it going through the grace filled filter of God. God still made the rules. God still said what could happen and what could not. As I go through a weary season and I am not sure how long it will last or how hard it will get, I have to trust that God is Sovereign. Anything that comes my way has passed through His hands first. Whether I need to grow or change, He is my potter and I the clay. Molding is painful and can take awhile but I am still in His hands through the whole process. Thanks for letting me be honest and real today. I pray that you who are in the midst of weary days will be encouraged by the picture of God's sovereign grace that we see in Job.

A Jesus Wedding

Josh and I bought the house we did for many reasons but one of our top reasons was for ministry. We wanted to have a floor plan and setup that allowed us to minister to people in our home and have a home that was comfortable for any guests. Since we have moved, we have been renovating and I have felt like it is not ready for guests yet. Well, Josh decided that he'd invite a couple over for premarital counseling. I was worried about not having a dining room table yet and really not even being able to use the main floor. To my surprise, they didn't care and it worked out fine. As I sat with Josh and this couple in our basement, I realized that our home was already being used for ministry. The funny thing is that it was a ministry to me by this sweet couple.

Jason and Vanessa have been together for 6 years and she finally said YES!!! Jason has been down a road of drugs and jail. Vanessa is the sweetest lady who Josh met through work. They began coming to Gospel Life as soon as it started but there was about a month that we didn't see them. Josh got a letter in the mail from Jason and he was in jail. We had no idea but the letter was unbelievable. Jason, who we had only met a few times had been radically saved by Jesus while away. His letter was explaining where he had been and where he was at that time. Josh could not wait to see him again and hear the full story of redemption and repentance that had taken place in his life. Well, here they were sitting in our basement and we were talking about planning their wedding. Jason, now 80 pounds lighter and full of Jesus glowed along with his soon to be wife as they sat on our couch and discussed their pasts. As I sat and listened, I was in awe of what they wanted their wedding to be about. They could care less about a unity candle and bridesmaids or an aisle runner or suit and ties. Jason just kept saying all he wanted was for it to be about Jesus. That simple! Every time we'd talk about a detail they may want, he always brought it back to Jesus. I listened to this newly redeemed man and I was blown away by his courage and passion. We talked about marriage and the covenant that it is. Jason and Vanessa may never understand how they ministered to me. I have been saved much longer and life can sometimes get in the way of passion and courage. Seeing it alive and pouring from them encouraged me.

The coolest part is that Jason and Vanessa want to be married during our church service. WOW!!! Do you know why?? Because they want it to be worshipful and all about Jesus!! They want family and friends who would maybe not come to church hear the gospel because they will come if it is their wedding. So, tomorrow, Jason and Vanessa will be married but I have a feeling that everyone there will not just see Jason and Vanessa up there, but Jesus!! They have made it very clear that Jesus will be glorified and lifted high by all of the worship songs and words that will be sung and said tomorrow. I am praying that Jason sees many friends that remember him before he got a new heart. I am praying that they will see Jesus in his eyes and want that for themselves. I am blown away that this wedding is taking place in our church and it will be a morning of worshipping and praising Jesus for what He has done in this couples life. They will have their two kids right next to them and I can't wait to see them become a family! As the service ends, the Gospel Life family will get to lay hands on this sweet couple and pray for them and their new marriage. Tomorrow, GLC will have a Jesus wedding and I am so thankful to be a part of this!!!!

UPDATE: Introducing Jason and Vanessa!!!!